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Showing posts from November, 2019

He Was Always Going To Leave

He was always going to leave. It was just a matter of when he was going to leave.

When entering a marriage, or any relationship, really, you don't stop to think of definitions. You're caught up in the moment--the heightened emotions, the thought of everlasting love. When we say we love someone, we know what we mean when we say certain words and phrases, and we make the mistake of assuming the other person means the same thing we do. But for many, their definition of love, marriage and forever are much different than that of their spouse.

When I entered both of my marriages, my definition of love was a choice. I choose to wake up every day and put that other person's needs above my own. My definition of marriage was a covenant. I give 100 percent of myself to you, and you give 100 percent of yourself to me. My definition of forever was a life-long commitment no matter what. I am not basing my love on feelings, but rather a commitment to you forever.

When only one partner h…

Don't Let the Alligator In

We had rented a house right on the shore. My sister and her kids joined us--six kids and two adults at the beach. We've done this before--we weren't too worried how outnumbered we were. The house was four stories tall, with wall-length windows and wrap-around porches facing the water--a small bay that opened up to the ocean. A giant shark torso and head jutted up from the lowest level, giving the illusion it was a "Jaws" attack. My bedroom was on the uppermost level, facing the water. I would lie in bed at night as the waves lulled me to sleep. I would watch the dark expanse and wonder what was beyond the shore. Some days, I would stand at the water's edge and marvel at what the Lord had made.

Next door quite a few yards away sat a fun outdoor restaurant and bar with a large deck that had Christmas lights strung on the ceiling. Bands would play on the weekends and rock out the slough. One night, the lights were out, and all the customers came up on my deck--the …

Wait for Grace

Recently, a friend posted a picture on Facebook that read something to the effect of, "Wait for a man who gives you his time, brags about you, makes you feel safe, thinks you're sexy, wants to help you fulfill your dreams, etc." Of course women should wait for that--every woman wants those things. On the surface, the sentiment of posts like these is nice--alluring, even. I had a man who did all of those things, and I thought that was enough. It wasn't.

What I've come to realize is that all of those things don't mean squat when a man doesn't understand grace. Without grace, he's going to stop giving you his time when he gets mad at you. Without grace, he will start complaining about you. Without grace, he will no longer make you feel safe when you screw up, because, well, you screwed up. Without grace, your sexiness will wax and wane with his moods. Without grace, he won't want to help you fulfill your dreams when you fail to help him follow his. …

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Those Words

“This just isn’t going to work out.” The dreaded words. The end. It's over. In my years of dating experience, I’ve heard Those Words several times. I’ve also said Those Words a time or two. Whatever partner is on the receiving end of Those Words is undoubtedly disappointed, hurt and saddened, but it’s a harsh reality that many relationships don’t always work out.

The majority of dating relationships end prior to walking down the aisle. But once you say, "I do," you never expect to hear Those Words ever again. But too often, it happens anyway. Families are devastated, hearts are shattered, and covenants are broken.
When you realize a dating relationship isn’t working for you, that’s when you utter Those Words or some variation of them. The thing is, though, after you say “I do,” you no longer get to say Those Words when the going gets tough--even if you feel the relationship isn't working. Every relationship has its ups and downs, marriage more than any other. That’…

Because of Who I Am

Someone posted on Facebook the other day the following:
Why would you fight for someone who clearly doesn't want you? Please let them go. You are valuable, just not to them. I thought about it for a minute, because I indeed fought for my husband when he clearly didn't want me. I fought for our marriage, even when he had zero interest in making our marriage work. He had already checked out and told me point-blank that he just didn't want to work on our marriage, but yet I fought on my knees before the Lord.

Throughout the first few months of our separation, I prayed day-in and day-out. I beseeched the Lord to intercede. I rebuked Satan, and I prostrated myself before the Lord God Almighty. I went to therapy, and I watched sermons online. I listened to every Jimmy Evans podcast I could find. I journaled and devoured God's Word. I wrote my husband scriptures and prayers daily. I soon filled a 100-page journal front and back.

Shortly after he left in June, God told me tha…

Covert Red Flags: The Real Things You Should Be Looking Out For in Relationships

Your relationship with your spouse should be the closest human relationship you ever have. As we are dating, we are assessing whether or not that person could potentially fit into our inner circle. This causes us to be on high alert for red flags. Most red flags are obvious--lack of communication, anger issues, irresponsibility, controlling behavior, abuse, etc. A quick Google search will bring up list upon list of red flags we should look out for. Being rude to waitstaff, not making your relationship public, not caring about XYZ, stone walling, gaslighting, and more can all be found on most lists.

But what about the covert red flags? Those things that are less obvious. My first marriage taught me to look out for the overt red flags like the ones found in every advice column. My second marriage taught me to look out for covert red flags, ones that I never even realized were red flags until I could look back. The entire time we dated, I kept looking for the overt red flags, and there …