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Because of Who I Am


Someone posted on Facebook the other day the following:
Why would you fight for someone who clearly doesn't want you? Please let them go. You are valuable, just not to them.
I thought about it for a minute, because I indeed fought for my husband when he clearly didn't want me. I fought for our marriage, even when he had zero interest in making our marriage work. He had already checked out and told me point-blank that he just didn't want to work on our marriage, but yet I fought on my knees before the Lord.

Throughout the first few months of our separation, I prayed day-in and day-out. I beseeched the Lord to intercede. I rebuked Satan, and I prostrated myself before the Lord God Almighty. I went to therapy, and I watched sermons online. I listened to every Jimmy Evans podcast I could find. I journaled and devoured God's Word. I wrote my husband scriptures and prayers daily. I soon filled a 100-page journal front and back.

Shortly after he left in June, God told me that every time I saw a Dodge Ram pick-up truck (which was the type of vehicle he drove), I was to bless my husband. At first, I did not want to do it. I was angry at him, and I was so incredibly hurt. The thought of blessing him turned my stomach. I begrudgingly began blessing every Dodge Ram truck I saw on the road. I never realized how many Dodge Ram pick-up trucks reside in Texas. Day by day, it got easier to say, "Bless him," when I saw a Dodge.

By the time summer came to a close, I had fasted and come to realize that he was indeed not going to ever honor God or the covenant he made with me. Then the anger set in. I was angry that I had fought for nothing. All the praying, hoping, wishing, journaling and blessing him had come to naught. One day, I screamed at God, "Why did you make me bless him and those stupid Dodge Rams?!?" Immediately, God said, "Daughter, blessing him was never about him. It was about you and your heart." I was floored. I sat there and thought about it. I wasn't angry at him, I had forgiven him after about the 1,378 truck I blessed. Through my verbalizing "Bless him" day after day, multiple times a day, bitterness never was able to set in my heart.

When I realized the blessing him was for me and not him, I then realized the fighting for my marriage was for me, too. I fought for my husband because of who I am, and who God is--not because of who my husband is. I fought because it was the right thing to do. I fought because when push comes to shove, I can know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I did everything I could to make my marriage work.

I know I am valuable, so that part of the quote was never in doubt, but it was true that my husband could not see my value. But me fighting for my marriage only added to my value. Because one day, when I meet a man who understands grace, love, and marriage, I will be able to say that I did what was right, even when I didn't feel like it--even when it was hard. He will love that about me, and appreciate it. Because if I can fight that hard for the wrong man, imagine how hard I can fight for the right one?

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