Boundaries

Boundaries. It's one of the most recent pop-culture therapy buzzwords. Everywhere I turn, I see people setting "boundaries" on their relationships and friendships, but more often than not, these boundaries aren't boundaries—they are veiled attempts at control.

Boundaries define what you are going to do in a relationship. A boundary says, "This is the line where my responsibility stops and yours begins." For example, if a friend keeps snapping me with a rubber band, a boundary says, "If you snap me with a rubber band, then I will leave the room and no longer sit next to you." Notice how the language is about what I am going to do—not what the other person needs to do.

"You're not allowed to have friends who are girls," I've heard a girl say to her boyfriend. "That's just a boundary I have." Except that's not a boundary, that's control.

Here are some more examples: 

• Control: “You cannot go out with your friends unless I’m there.”
• Boundary: “If going out with your friends regularly leads to behavior that violates trust in our relationship, then I am going to step back from this relationship.” 

• Control: “You need to stop talking to your mother because she stresses me out.” 
• Boundary: “When your mother insults me or disrespects our marriage, I am going to remove myself from the conversation or leave."

Friendships

• Control: “You are not allowed to hang out with people I don’t like.” 
• Boundary: “If you continually surround yourself with people who mistreat me, then I am going to create distance in this friendship.” 

• Control: “You need to text me back immediately or I’m done.”
• Boundary: “If communication continues to be inconsistent and one-sided, then I am going to stop investing the same amount of energy into this friendship.”

Parenting

• Control: “My boundary is that my child cannot disagree with me.”
• Boundary: “If my child becomes disrespectful during a conversation, then the conversation will end until we can speak calmly.”

Family

• Control: “You are not allowed to bring up politics around me.”
• Boundary: “If political conversations become hostile or disrespectful, then I am going to leave the discussion.”

Social Media / Therapy Language

• Control: “My boundary is that nobody can criticize me.” 
• Boundary: “If someone repeatedly insults or belittles me, then I am going to limit my interaction with that person.”

A clue to know if the boundary you are setting is actually a boundary or an attempt to control someone else's behavior is to look at who is going to be changing their behavior. Boundaries are about what we are responsible for in our relationships.

One of the clearest biblical principles woven throughout scripture is the idea of personal responsibility. We are consistently called to govern ourselves, our own behavior, our own words, our own reactions, and our own choices. In fact, one of the fruits of the Spirit listed in Galatians 5:22–23 is self-control—not control over other people.

That distinction matters because many modern “boundaries” are really attempts to control outcomes, avoid discomfort, or manage another person’s behavior. However, biblical boundaries focus on what we are responsible for. I cannot force another person to be honest, respectful, faithful, emotionally healthy, or kind. I can communicate expectations, establish consequences, and decide what I am willing to participate in, but I cannot control another human being without crossing into manipulation.

We see this principle throughout scripture. God Himself allows human beings the ability to choose. Throughout the Bible, people reject Him, disobey Him, betray Him, and walk away from Him. Yet God does not force obedience, nor does He manipulate people into submission. He establishes truth, sets boundaries, allows consequences, and gives people the freedom to choose whether they will follow Him or not. If God Himself does not attempt to control every human decision, then we should probably be cautious about trying to control people around us.

This is why boundaries are ultimately about stewarding ourselves rather than a management of others. A healthy boundary recognizes where my responsibility ends. I am responsible for my own behavior, my own obedience, my own reactions, and my own participation in a relationship. I am not responsible for forcing another person to behave the way I want them to behave. At some point, love has to leave room for choice, even when we do not like the choices another person makes.