How to Stop a Bully

I'm a member of a couple mom groups on Facebook, and one of the most common mom complaints is about other children "bullying" their children. Many of these posts admonish other moms, telling them to "teach your children how" to behave, to treat others, to not bully, etc. In these posts, the moms usually lament the schools, teachers and administrators who are idly standing by while their child is relentlessly being bullied. Threats to take action to the school board or even the local news station abound.

I always want to respond to these posts, but I usually refrain, because most parents would not want to hear what I have to say: Get over it.

While on the surface, this may seem insensitive, or as if I think bullying is ok. I don't quite mean for it to come off that way. I know there are situations where children experience real abuse or sustained harassment, and those situations absolutely require intervention. That is not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about the everyday reality of kids being mean to one another.

At the root of the issue is this: These moms are expecting others to behave in certain ways. These moms want to control the behavior of other parents and children. This is unbiblical and not Christlike. Instead of looking inward and upward for a solution, these moms want to look outward for relief.

Ultimately, these moms desire—and even in some cases expect—other children to treat their children better than people treated Jesus. Over and over in the Bible, we see people betray Jesus: Judas and Peter most notably. Jesus was beaten and crucified for no sin. Jesus was tormented, mocked, attacked and betrayed. Did Jesus lament to these people saying, "Treat me better! Your parents didn't teach you correctly!" or did He say, "I'm gonna tell my Dad on you!"? Of course not. He loved them. He realized that their behavior was a reflection of them, not of Him. Not once did Jesus allow others' words change who He knew He was.

Jesus told us in John 15:18, “If the world hates you, know that it hated me before it hated you.” So we should be prepared, just as Jesus was, for the world to hate us.

That is the message I want to send to my children—that other people's words shouldn't shape who you are—only God can do that.

Do I think it's important that parents teach their children to be kind, to be giving, to be loving? Absolutely. Do I think parents should teach their children the effect that their words and actions have on other people? Of course. I'm not saying that parents shouldn't be teaching their children not to bully. What I am saying is that focusing on trying to change other people's behavior isn't the answer to the bullying epidemic.

We cannot control what other children (or people) say or do. We cannot control what other parents teach—or fail to teach—their kids. But we can teach our own children something far more powerful: that their identity does not come from the opinions of others. It comes from God.

If our children learn that truth, then the words of others will lose much of their power. That's how you stop a bully.

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