One of my favorite parenting and teaching questions is, "Are you preparing your child for the path, or are you preparing the path for your child?" When I first heard this question, I envisioned this path through a thick jungle that is full of rocks, tree branches, and tree trunks fallen over onto the dirt path. As it winds through the dense mass of trees and vines, I see parents stopping their children every few steps and picking up a boulder and tossing off the path for their child. Or maybe the parent has a machete in their hand, and the parent quickly cuts the branches away from the path, so that when the child walks the path, it is free and clear of any obstacle.
Will this create a happy child? Most definitely. A child with a cleared path can frolic and play to his heart's content along that path. However, he will also grow up with the belief that the path should always be cleared for him. He will believe that life is easy, and that it isn't his responsibility to clear his own path. And when the path isn't clear for him, it will be confusing and upsetting. Clearing that path for your child will create a miserable and frustrated teen and adult. Life simply is not a free and clear path. There are bumps, and rocks, and logs, and sometimes there are lakes we have to swim. And sometimes, there is no path at all.
We only have 18 years to teach our children, then that's it. Our reach on them is over. Once they are an adult, they are theoretically on their own. But many parents (the path-clearing ones) usually find that their children are poorly equipped to enter the world as adults.
Why is it so hard to teach our children to clear their own path? Because we hate to see the struggle. It's heartbreaking to watch my precious daughter drop that huge boulder she's trying so hard to clear out of her path. I know that I can just go over there and grab it for her. It would be so easy for me to clear the path for her. It's not that big of a rock to me. But does God do that for us? Does he take away our struggles and just “fix it” for us? Sometimes, yes—God gives us miracles. But the vast majority of the time, there is a reason for our struggles.
Romans 12:12 tells us, “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” We are refined and made whole through our struggles. God never promises us a clear or easy path. He actually says in Zechariah 13:9, “This third I will put into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, ‘They are my people,’ and they will say, ‘The LORD is our God.’”
Sometimes those struggles bring us to a place in life that is more joyous than we could ever imagine—precisely because of those struggles. Removing struggles from our kids’ lives isn’t the answer, because how can we possibly teach our children who God is, if we don’t model how God is?
Preparing your child for the path is a completely different concept. I walk the path with my child. As a boulder comes up in her path, I'm there with her, but I empower her to move it herself. "Wow. That's a big rock in your path. What do you think you could do to get it out of your way?" The responsibility is now hers. She can respond how she sees fit. Maybe I know her suggestion won't work. But I still let her try. "That didn't work well, did it? What's another option you could use?" I'm not giving her answers, nor am I clearing the path for her. The next time she encounters a similar boulder, she will know what to do without having to ask me.
This is not unlike God in our lives. He gave us free will—and He will let us fail again and again. God is ok with us choosing the wrong path. It grieves His heart, but He knows He is still God. Do we do the same thing when giving our children choices? Are we truly ok with them making the wrong decision? Or do we intervene with a mandate or ultimatum? Again, how can we teach our children about who God is, if we aren’t ok with them making the wrong choice? I’m not saying we condone the bad choices, and I’m definitely not saying there shouldn’t be consequences for wrong or bad choices. But what I am saying is that I have to be ok with who I am and who my child is—and allow her the freedom to make those choices on her own, then deal with the consequences—or blessings—of those choices.
Obviously, there will be times where the tree trunk in her path will be entirely too big for her to move out of her path on her own. I will be there to partner with her. She will come up with the plan; I will help, and we will clear it together. Similarly, God tells us He will “never leave us or forsake us,” Deuteronomy 31:6. He never tells us we won’t have troubles.
All too often in teaching, I see students whose parents have been clearing the path for their child their whole life. When confronted with boulders or tree trunks in their path, the students are clueless as to how to clear the path. They look at me as their teacher, and they get upset with me for placing a boulder in their path. They get frustrated that I don't clear it for them. It breaks my heart that some of these kids are so helpless and powerless to forge their own way.
It takes more time; it takes more patience, and it takes more grace to allow your child to clear his or her own path. But in the end, it's undoubtedly the most loving thing to do.
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